Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
