me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
