sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
