i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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