Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
