She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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