i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Where is the hickey?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
