i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
