I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
