it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
