I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
