No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
