There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
