Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
