i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
its liver damage thursday
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
