I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
