Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
