Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
