in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
