Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
