went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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