So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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