If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
