Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
