I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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