I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
