Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
