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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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