I want you more than these girls want KFC
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
