We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
