when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
