I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
