I wish I could teleport
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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