If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
In other news, I just burned my penis
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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