everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
meet me or not, i'm out of control
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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