ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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