the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
