This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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