Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
