i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
