Who did Billy Mays play for?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Is Oprah even human
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
