the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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