btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You have to summon your inner elephant
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
