we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
