Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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