Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
