Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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