I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
