Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
