Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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