I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
