omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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