we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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